Are you one of the many individuals who carry unresolved anger towards your parents? It’s a common experience, as nearly every one of us has something left unsaid or unexpressed with our parents. We often find ourselves seeking validation from them or getting triggered by a simple phone call, visit, or even the thought of them. We might deny these feelings, only to discover later that our emotional state feels imbalanced and unstable. This is because there are unresolved issues that have been triggered, even if we didn’t notice them at the time.
Unveiling the Subconscious Role in Holding Pain
The subconscious mind doesn’t recognize time; it holds onto every unexpressed pain, buried deep within us. If we deny, suppress, or numb these emotions, our bodies will eventually express them on our behalf. Unresolved issues with our parents will inevitably surface because that trauma grows with us. As the saying goes
Embracing the Journey of Resolving Parental Anger
Unexpressed pain and anger not only harm us but also affect the people around us. This is a crucial realization when embarking on a journey of healing and resolving issues with our parents. So, why does anger prevail over other emotions?
Why do we find it difficult to let go and simply cry? The answer is that everyone is different, and while some can easily let go of past hurts, the majority of people still hold onto resentment, anger, unspoken words, feelings of unfairness, and fear of injustice.
Shaping a New Narrative for Personal Growth
It’s not uncommon to question why our parents treated us the way they did. Many clients have asked me, “Why did they do that to me? I know they did their best, but I chose to do things differently. Why couldn’t they do better?” The purpose of being human is to surpass the previous generation and strive for better. Healing occurs across generations, where parents may have made slight improvements over their own parents, and you may have completely broken the cycle by choosing a different path for your own children. While some are fortunate to have loving and supportive parents, others grow up amidst abuse and pain. However, this world, despite its suffering, offers an abundance of methods to heal that pain.
The Influence of Unexpressed Parental Anger During Adolescence
Many people turn their personal pain into a driving force for their careers, transforming it into a means to heal and help others. This kind of transformation is profound and accessible to anyone who has experienced childhood pain. Anger toward our parents can manifest in two ways: visible anger, where we openly express our resentment and choose to distance ourselves from them, and invisible anger, which festers as unexpressed pain. We may deny ourselves the right to be angry or may have been unable to express it during our teenage years, which is typically when anger is most prevalent.
Embracing Individuality, Boundaries, and Relationships
During adolescence, children start to realize they are not their parents or part of the same tribe. This is a pivotal moment of separation—the second separation, to be precise—where they feel the need to assert their individuality, make their own decisions, and create their own path. Many teenagers express their desire to leave their parents‘ house as soon as possible, even though they may simultaneously express love for their parents while resenting their control. Teenagers abhor being controlled because they have progressed from a state of helplessness as children. Nevertheless, even during those rebellious teenage years, it’s important to recognize that anger is a natural response to feeling controlled or misunderstood. However, if our anger remains unresolved, it can continue to affect our relationships and overall well-being well into adulthood.
So how can we begin to heal this anger and the wounds from our past? Here are some steps you can consider:
- Acknowledge and validate your emotions: Start by acknowledging and accepting your anger towards your parents. Understand that your feelings are valid and that it’s normal to have these emotions. Give yourself permission to feel and express your anger in a healthy way.
- Reflect on your parents’ perspective: Try to put yourself in your parents’ shoes and consider their own upbringing, experiences, and challenges they may have faced. This doesn’t excuse any mistreatment or neglect you may have experienced, but it can provide some insight into their actions and help cultivate empathy.
- Seek support: Reach out to a therapist, counselor, or support group to help you navigate and process your emotions. They can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings, gain new perspectives, and develop strategies for healing.
- Practice forgiveness: Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning the past, but rather releasing the emotional burden you carry. It’s a process that takes time and self-reflection. Consider exploring forgiveness as a way to free yourself from the anger and resentment that may be holding you back.
- Communicate and express your feelings: If you feel comfortable and it’s safe to do so, consider having an open and honest conversation with your parents about how their actions have affected you. This can be a cathartic and healing experience for both parties involved. However, remember that this may not always be possible or advisable in all situations.
- Focus on self-care: Engage in activities that promote self-care and self-love. Prioritize your well-being by practicing mindfulness, engaging in hobbies you enjoy, surrounding yourself with positive influences, and taking care of your physical and emotional health.
- Set healthy boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your parents to protect yourself from further harm or triggering situations. Boundaries are essential for maintaining your emotional well-being and ensuring that you’re treated with respect and dignity.
- Seek professional guidance if needed: If the anger and unresolved issues with your parents are significantly impacting your daily life, relationships, or mental health, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist or counselor can provide specialized guidance and support tailored to your specific situation.
